If I Lose…

If I lose…
If I lose my fight,
No tears are needed 
Because these words been in the air
They were searching for help
As you turned your back, 
You told me to just forget
Like I wasn’t already trying 
Not enough effort to erase the bitch from my mind,
But I tried
Counseling and therapy helped
But it wasn’t an instant fix
But you knew that, but still watched me struggle 
I tried to trick my temper, even run a hustle
But there was no budging
You said you understood me
As you continue to do the same shit to me
Do you really understand, though?
Do you know what it feels like to blink and wake up to find out you let your hands go?
You fought, but you never remember throwing a punch
Do you know what it feels like to blink and throw a chair?
No you didn’t 
But you understand me, right?
If I ever die
I want you to know I hate all of you
No, wait, not all of you
Just my immediate family 
For letting me suffer with this tantrum all my life
Even when I asked for help, you were too worried about being embarrassed 
Like this problem, I have we share it
I’m the one embarrassed 
Now I’m talking in circles, trying to get someone to understand 
If I ever lose, 
Oh, who am I kidding let's not act like you care
If I lose this fight, 
Just know I fought my heart out
I looked to family for help and they blamed me

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