Weekly Thoughts #109: How have I been mentally?
It’s been awhile. Not because of laziness, but pure depression. I have been depressed. Fighting anxiety and my tantrums since July. It’s so constant to the point I think I may lose my fight. Hard to even write, but I’m not in a pleasant space, physically or mentally. So my mind has been on that. It’s absorbing my time. Can’t focus and I’m doing things to make me happy. But nothing is working. Sometimes I just feel alone and I know I am.
I wrote that first paragraph in the thick of my depression. I’m better for now. A part of me just stops thinking about what I can’t control. My focus switched to what I could control, and that’s my art. I have been getting a lot out of my heart with these past few poems. I know the “I want to leave” narrative has been repeated. But it’s helping me relieve my stress.
On to other news. My ads are finally gone for now. I think I just got tired of seeing them. I have had them ever since I made my blog, but it hasn’t made me a significant amount of money. Not even enough to get something off the dollar menu at Mcdonalds. No lies told. I’ll probably add it back when I accumulate at least a thousand views per post. Until then, I’m just pouring my soul into the one place I call my home, Pieces Of K Blog.
This year hasn’t been my best. But I have faith that I will be in a better place soon. I had a talk with my therapist a week ago that lifted my mood a bit. It was nice hearing someone hear me out. I felt heard when she described my situation without me saying a word about how I had been feeling lately. I am feeling stuck, and she knew that. That was so special to me. Better than the whole, “I understand” gesture that I always get.
What else mentally has happened? I received a new antidepressant to help with sleep. I had been staying up all night and sleeping during the day because I couldn’t sleep. I just laid in bed all night sad and shit. So I have been getting better sleep now. In the meantime, I have poured my feelings into some more poems that you’ll see over the next couple of weeks. Until then, stream my new spoken word single, Legacy.