All Alone

Weekly Thoughts #106: All Alone

This week has felt lonely. So I’m going to get some things off my brain. I will curse just a reminder and I will write about how I feel. So read my thoughts.

Let me talk my shit is out. 5K views on YouTube. But not much engagement. Which is what I want. I want comments on how I did. I liked it, but I want to know what others think. As far as promotion, I’ve been trying to get on some Spotify playlists and just trying to run some ads to keep it floating on your feed. So it’s work in progress. I’m not done promoting just yet. You know, but I’m also looking ahead to another single.

Already thinking about another single. Thinking about Old Friend 2 but Soap Opera (Another Single) is on my mind. It’s about my current situation and I feel like I want to get it out just to get it off my mind. Been stressing out a lot lately. Been having more and more tantrums every week. Shit feels like it won’t ever end. Trying to stay focus on myself but failing a lot lately because I just want to protect but how do I be her Batman if she’s Harley Quinn, and she wants the Joker.

My life right now is so freaking difficult. I have been so distracted by my life, my tantrums have occurred more times in the past 2 weeks. Maybe one big one every single day. I have to take long car rides away from everyone just to cool off. Then, no matter who I talk to, they seem to have the same answer. I feel stuck right now. It’s hard to just excuse my thoughts. Hard to just not give a fuck when your rage takes over and leave you with little to no control over your actions. And you still don’t know what this “black out rage” is called. You don’t know how to stop or snap out of it. You only know how you feel when it’s happening. I was like this for as long as I can remember. People tell me to calm down. Like I’m not trying my hardest, but I keep seeing my trigger each day. So how do I calm down. These past 2 months is draining all my energy so my blog has been suffering. I’m going to bounce back soon. Hopefully.

This month feels so long and it’s only the 15th day. Tomorrow I hopefully will wake up happy. Probably not, though. I just want life to change for me. I have been getting angry every single day and I honestly hate it. I hate the conversations I have been having with my grandma. She’s so sweet. My Rock, she just wants to calm me down by showing me the consequences of my questionable ideas. She’s right. But believe me, I’ve been trying to calm myself in every way possible. Just nothing ever works. I feel so alone on this topic. Like I’m the only one fighting. I’m ranting on at this point. But I need some place to rant. Therapy is a process and I can’t rush my mental health because of one’s actions. Nor can I tell my tantrum not to happen. I literally get mad when I hear the person’s car come in the driveway. How do you stop that? I have listened to music and still felt their presence. I am beyond out of ideas. I need Jesus at this point. That’s all for this week. See you next week.

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